PAUSE. What's Happening?
and why are the symptoms so annoying?
At my 25-year college reunion last fall, our class panelists were asked – what would you say if you could talk to your graduating self in 1998? A friend would have told her “Hum-Bio” (human biology) studying self to go beyond reproductive health in her studies on women’s health. My classmates and I giggled awkwardly while she said she wished the curriculum had covered menopause. After all, most of the rest of us knew very little ourselves. Here was a group of alums aged 47-48, many of whom had gone on to earn advanced degrees after graduating Stanford. Why were we so naïve on the topic of menopause? Wasn’t this semi-truck of a change barreling down the freeway toward half of us? Would we recognize it when it knocked us on our butts?
The knowledge I do have about menopause has not come from my mother, of whom I have asked very few questions about the change. Maybe only, “how old were you?” I don’t recall her talking to me when she experienced it, and I am fairly certain that her mother didn’t talk to her. Are we embarrassed to talk about menopause? Maybe. My oncologist is the only person who has shown interest in menopause, seeming almost gleeful that it has been months since my last period. My breast cancer was hormone-receptor positive. In layman’s terms I explain this as: the cancer grew by eating estrogen and progesterone for lunch. As such, Dr. F finds it to be quite good news that my ovaries might soon close their hormone-producing shop. For any cancer cells still floating in my body, no hormones means no sustenance. And for cancer, no sustenance = no life.
People say that if men experienced menopause, there would have been solutions to common symptoms long ago. I believe that there actually is a similar change that impacts men around the time their significant others are sweating their way through hot flashes. It is not yet well-studied, still more of a hunch-pothesis. Let’s call it man-o-pause. If we can confirm it exists, then the medical community will surely rally around solving it. Why don’t we compare the symptoms while educating all of you on these serious life changes? Buckle up!
PERIODS
Menopause – the wise Dr. Internet says that you are in menopause when you have gone one year without having a period. Before that you are in perimenopause. Once menopause has occurred, you are post-menopausal. Basically menopause is just the anniversary date of your last period? If I understand correctly, once you’ve hit menopause you immediately become post-menopausal. That’s a lot of fuss for a one-day event. If the “event” is not getting a period for a year, how will it be recognized by all of my friends with IUDs who haven’t had a period in years?
Man-o-pause – you will no longer be called upon to buy tampons and pads during the year in which your spouse is wondering if her period is done, and forever afterward. The confidence to bring awkward products up to the register will begin to fade. You will begin to feel sheepish about certain purchases. Unless you have a daughter. She won’t ask you to buy that crap, but your wife may send you out for it. Good luck buying Miralax for your next colonoscopy if you get too out of practice.
BELLY FAT
Menopause – not only is the cessation of periods a sign of aging, but it also triggers metabolic changes in the body. Muscle mass decreases and therefore fewer calories are burned. When fewer calories are burned, fat accumulates. You now need to exercise more and eat less than you were before just to maintain your weight. As my daughter would say, “bruh!”
Man-o-pause – men of a certain age believe that they still look pretty good, but there comes a time when they begin buckling their belt underneath their belly. If you have one of those beer guts that hangs out over the waistband of your pants, you can conclude that your metabolism has also slowed down. Cutting one coke per day might not be enough.
BODY TEMPERATURE
Menopause – those blasted hormone levels. They cause sudden flares of heat which are generally accompanied by sweating and flushed skin, also known as hot flashes. Hot flash sweating doesn’t smell great. Or so I have heard. From a friend.
Man-o-pause – many of you are used to having a strange little furnace/AC next to you in bed. You feel freezing cold feet against you and the blankets being stolen as you try to fall asleep. Later, the covers (somewhat sweaty now) get thrown onto you as your drenched wife comes up for cooler air. The baseline fluctuations you’ve always experienced will go haywire in man-o-pause. Try separate covers?
COGNITIVE ABILITIES
Menopause – Ladies, you may experience some sort of brain fog or forgetfulness. I’ll say it again because, ladies, you may experience brain fog or begin forgetting things. I read that the gray matter volume in the brain returns to normal sometime after menopause, so maybe that’s good news. Except I didn’t realize gray matter was going to become less than normal? Estrogen again? In case the message didn’t sink in yet, let’s review. You’ll probably experience brain fog/forgetfulness.
Man-o-pause – around this time, you may reach the limit on the amount of people whose names you will be able to remember. Hereafter, for each new person you encounter, you will have to decide whether you’d like to remember them when you next meet. If so, your brain will need to free up space for the new memory by deleting the names of 2-3 past acquaintances. Future reunions may be challenging, but thank goodness for name tags.
STRUCTURAL SOUNDNESS
Menopause – in the first five years after menopause, women lose up to 10% of their bone density. Hmm… so the bodies that have grown heavier now must be carried around by bones that have become more brittle? That hardly feels fair. Fairness is a topic I have discussed numerous times with my mom, always landing at the same refrain: nobody promised life would be fair.
Man-o-pause – the men of a certain age whose bellies have become rounder will also see their athletic prowess diminish. A basketball game with buddies used to be a refreshing workout, but is now a likely source of pulled muscles or sprains. Tying shoes or petting dogs may throw your back out. Keep an ice pack nearby.
BLADDER CONTROL
Menopause – are you feeling bad about this special time in your life yet? Turns out the hormones were keeping all kinds of trains running. There are even more reasons to be annoyed with the loss of estrogen, such as changes to the strength of pelvic floor muscles or the elasticity of vaginal tissue. Yep, you might pee a little.
Man-o-pause – camping trips never bothered you before. Only one pit stop as you got ready for bed. Now you will be scared of running into a nocturnal creature as you come out of the tent for a third or fourth time. Even at home, this middle of the night wake-up becomes a thing. Try not to miss the bowl.
SEXUAL HEALTH
Menopause – oh yes, it keeps going. Pelvic floor strength and elasticity also matter in this department. Decreased hormone levels may lead to decreased drive. The good news is that no longer worrying about pregnancy, having kids growing up/possibly leaving the house, and increased confidence may lead to more enjoyable experiences. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and all that.
Man-o-pause – women’s are not the only bones that could get softer. On a positive note, no one is threatening the accessibility of medications for men. Further good news, you might be married to that woman who has stopped worrying about pregnancy, has kids leaving the nest, and is feeling confident. Go forth and conquer!
If you or someone you know are experiencing symptoms of menopause or its possible companion, man-o-pause, you are not alone. It is ok to discuss it with your doctor or your friends (at least it is if you are a woman). If you are a man, you probably don’t plan to talk about it with anyone, but I encourage you to reconsider. No need to suffer in silence. Your doctor may not be up-to-date on all things man-o-pause, but obscure websites will surely begin to write about it soon. Seek answers there or check WebMD in a couple years to see if the research has caught up. Take care one and all!