Do you ever feel like things are out of control? Like some element of your life is taking over? For me, that element is socks. Yes, I said socks. Perhaps you are thinking, wow she does not have much going on if the stressful thing in her life is socks. Or alternatively you may be wondering: Oh my, is she ok? If socks are pushing her over the edge, what about everything else? My situation is probably closer to the first one, so this is not a call for you to drop what you are doing to rescue me. That said, let me highlight the ways in which socks are playing an outsized role in my life. If you do decide that I need to be checked on, proceed with caution. I can’t promise you won’t slip on a lone floor-sock.
Why are there socks on the floor in every room of my house?
Hot Feet: when my children arrive home, you would think they are close to death from roasting in shoes all day. M(13) stops to remove her shoes just inside the doorway, causing the parent behind her to trip over her on the way in. W(16) makes it a little further in, leaving his shoes somewhere near (though not on) the shoe rack in the front room. Both generally drop the socks somewhere close by. However, on the days when either teen’s near-death is coming from hunger rather than toasty toes, a snack is procured before socks are removed. On these days, the socks can be found under whichever table the child left their plate on.
How can you wear these without your feet burning up?
Strange Taste: our dog seems to have a fondness for funky feet. Socks from the floor make tasty chew toys and Scout loves to strut around showing off her prizes. Any time someone walks into the house, she finds something special to show. There are always socks at the ready, and the strewn socks are quickly shuffled.
Tasty!
Multi-Purpose Toy: in case the rank flavor of foot sweat was not enough, M tempts Scoutie with games of tug-o-war in which the sock is the rope, followed by games of fetch in which the sock is the ball. This activity shuffles the socks even further as the “ball” gets tossed to the next room. Ultimately, socks may land in different baskets and/or get washed at different times than their mates.
Pot and Kettles: if my children are the kettles that I am calling black, then I most certainly am a cast iron pot. I love to lie down on the couch to rest under a soft blanky. If you’ve read my “Pause” essay, you know that sometimes I get warm. Then I have to remove my socks, meaning each couch could contain 1-2 pairs. In cooler weather, a similar phenomenon happens with the fuzzy socks I wear to bed. These can be found on the floor by morning.
Brand Alignment: when you are 13, it is not appropriate to wear Nike socks with other athletic shoe brands. The Nike socks are for M’s Air Force Ones. She needs a separate pack of Adidas socks for her Sambas. Off-brand socks can be worn only if they won’t be seen.
We’re Ready for Every Shoe Brand
Hole-y Cow: Santa brings new socks for W every Christmas and he usually gets others throughout the year. Despite having sufficient stock, W does not get rid of socks with holes in them. In fact, he continues to wear them. When I get tired of waiting for him to fold his laundry and decide to help out, I purge the ones with obnoxious holes. Sometimes the hole is the size of his heel!
Ok Boomer: I’m actually on the young side of Gen X but I have an old soul. I haven’t caught on to wearing crew socks like a Gen Z, but I have become aware that ankle socks definitely look silly with my chunky loafers. As a solution, I ordered a couple varieties of no-show socks. How do you even fold the tiny ones made to be invisible under flats? Now they’re just loose in my drawers!
Why can’t I find the clean socks I am looking for?
Multiple Sock Drawers: since our dressers have small top drawers, K and I both have two sock drawers. One is for athletic socks. The other is for dress socks. We both have this. But K doesn’t remember my drawer #2 and they all end up in drawer #1. I get it, it takes time to learn. We have only been married for 21 years.
Laundry Mayhem: as noted above, dirty socks don’t necessarily make it into the laundry basket of their owner. When it is time to fold the clean clothes (if the folding actually happens), there is usually a pile of unmatched socks at the end. Many of them don’t even belong to the folder. After sitting a while, they will hopefully be placed in someone’s drawer. However, I suspect that sometimes they just get put back into a dirty clothes basket for “further processing.”
Because of these phenomena, I have organized the occasional sock intervention to set things right. See excerpts from our family group chat:
[12:36 pm]
H: attention family – at 1 pm there will be a singles mixer for socks in the family room. Before then please drop off all lonely socks or even coupled socks who seem to be living in the wrong drawer.
M: im eating lunch
Mid-way through the singles party when only seven pairs had been reunited.
H: the party was moderately successful, with 14 of 30 socks finding their “sole”-mate. Party will reconvene when W’s dryer load finishes.
H: Upon further inspection of drawers, some late arrivals to the party allowed 18 more socks to find friends.
H: 13 singles are still looking for love. [heart emoji]
H: #momjokesaredumberthandadjokes
The Group Chat
You may have read my post last week about being a cool mom. Seeing my Singles Sock Party, I think you’ll agree that I wasn’t lying. It is only one of the many coolness examples that I can offer, and I might even host a repeat party soon.
